Turn Away
by DeathWallflower
Summary: Sometimes we forget that the great detective L, is just an ordinary man. Of course he suffers just like ordinary men. So when he stumbles upon life, will it be proved that he is just as frail as the rest of the human race? Set in an Alternate Universe. Oneshot.


**AN: Hello, **

**First of all, this is set in an AU before the Kira Case, but you'll see ^^ This is a kind of break from the two ongoing stories that I'm working on at the moment. I had this idea, and I had to plough it out. xD and i think this is the longest chapter I have ever done xD I'm not very good with writing long chapters, but this just came spilling out xD **

**Also I wrote this in present time, which I don't usually do very often, and although I went through the story several times there may still be some mistakes, so if you find any mistakes in terms of tense, please feel free to tell me so I can correct it ^^ This story is not made to offend anyone and the views are purely how I would perceive the character to feel about the situation he is placed in.**

**Anyway, please enjoy. :)**

* * *

I lay still in the hospital bed, the crisp clean sheets rubbing comfortably against my bare legs, whilst the blankets feel heavy on my frail body. I try to ignore the smell of disinfectant seeping into my nose and clinging to my nostril hairs. It is making me feel sick, always lingering there. The beeping of the heart monitor machine is constantly trying to break through my eardrum it seems. I could zone it out but it is always there in my subconscious. I could block it out with the TV that is hovering above my bed ridden body, but I don't have the energy to lift my arm to reach the remote control on the bed side cabinet. The position of my body is also annoying me, as I felt ridiculously uncomfortable in the way I lay; straight like a soldier with my arms by my sides. What an ironic metaphor considering the condition I am in. I am like a soldier, fighting for my life. The only difference is that, I am only fighting for myself. I sigh, a wave of depression smothering my insides, causing my mind to wallow in self-pity. It's like sticky syrup that I can't clean off no matter how much water I apply to it.

I sigh again and wonder what the time is, there is a clock on the wall opposite me but it is blocked by the damn hanging TV that is playing an old national football game, between the country I reside in, and another team that I cannot be bothered to find out the name of. Obviously it was a match where the former had been victorious. But quite frankly, I did not care. Sport was not my area of expertise...obviously.

It is then that I notice that my vision is getting blurry from fatigue. But I only just slept a while ago, so I can't be tired. Then I realise that a nurse must be sending me to sleep artificially again. She must have thought I was 'over-thinking' as she puts it. I am advised not to think too much with my brilliant brain, because it puts pressure on the tumour. I just laugh whenever they say that. Well, I can't really laugh anymore, it hurts too much. I remember as I start to black out, getting slightly irritated at the slight breeze, coming from the open window behind me, lingering on my bare head. Then I fade out of consciousness.

'_What are you talking about?' I say, still talking in my monotone voice, as I comprehend what the Doctor has just told me. He looks as if he is used to this response, yet slightly concerned by the fact that it was said in the most unemotional way yet. I glance at Watari who is sitting next to me. His eyes have widened slightly, and his mouth is forming an 'o'. I turn back to the doctor as he sighs and explains._

'_You have cancer, Mr Ryuzaki. It has stemmed from a malignant tumour in your brain. The type of tumour is a very common type, name Glioblastoma Multiforme, which is a form of cancer, this is because the tumour is intruding on the limited space of the intracranial cavity_._ This means that because the tumour is in a small space, it is pressing against your skull, and of course this is bad for your brain as it means that your brain can't function correctly, and the pressure of the tumour is the cause of your symptoms of fainting, vomiting and the rest.' _

_The doctor stops talking and sits there whilst he waits for me to take in what he just said. He thinks I'm in shock. I'm not, in fact I'm rather irritated that he felt the need to explain intracranial cavity to me. I'm just about to tell the doctor this but Watari speaks before I can. That man has a sixth sense._

'_So, what's the deal with Ryuzaki's situation? How bad is the tumour?' Watari says with a hint of desperation in his voice._

'_Well, that's the problem,' a pitying expression forms on the doctors face. 'The tumour is at a very advanced stage, and although in earlier stages, surgery can help, this isn't the case for Mr Ryuzaki. He will have to have radiation and chemotherapy treatment, and this will slow down the growth of the tumour, but unfortunately this is about all we can do,' the doctor says, his tone becoming grave as he finishes talking. I realise the meaning of what he just said._

'_I'm going to die.' I say. It's not a question, it's a statement. I hear a gasp next to me, but ignore it._

'_Yes, I'm afraid the tumour is terminal' the doctor says in a grim voice. He continues. 'However, as I said, we will treat the tumour and slow its progress right down, and also we will assign you a free therapist from the hospital to help you deal with the situation at this difficult time.'_

_I digest this information and utter a simple 'okay'. I stand up and tell Watari that we are leaving, without looking at him. I don't feel like looking at his reaction for some unexplainable reason. The doctor bids us farewell and goes back to the paperwork on his desk before we rudely interrupted him with the daunting task of breaking bad news. I turn back just before I leave._

'_One thing before I leave, could I ask you to forget about assigning me a therapist, one won't be needed, and even if one is assigned I won't go to the sessions, so it will be pointless, and a waste of hospital money.' I turn away from the doctor's startled face and leave._

Bright light stirs me from my slumber. I'm glad I'm awake. I always relive the memory of the time I got condemned to death, when I sleep. I still haven't opened my eyes, but they already hurt from the intense, artificial light that is shining down on me like the watchful eye of the medical staff. I keep them closed, so that that I'm not sent back to sleep, despite the annoyances of being awake, it's more preferable than sleep. I can smell the scent of the sanitary linoleum floor as it creeps its way back into my nostrils. Those beeps are plaguing my eardrums again. The sound of fumbling around me disrupts my train of thought and I realise that it's the nurse. Slowly I open my eyes and look in the direction of the nurse tucking in my blankets around my feet. I open my mouth and croak out a request for the TV to be put away, and she obliges. I also gurgle out the word morphine, which I need as my head has begun to acquire a painful throbbing. The nurse tells me I'm already on morphine, and I groan at this information. She walks away and I feel betrayed that she has left me to suffer, but then she comes back and injects something into my IV bag and then tells me that she's sending me to sleep again so I don't feel the pain. I don't have time to object.

_I am sitting down in front of my laptop looking through the many requests of help from various people who can't solve their own problems. It has been a week since I found out I had cancer, and nothing is different. I'm still on the case that I had been solving at the time. Well, I was. Now I was looking for a new case. I heard Watari walk in to the room, and the rustling of plastic bags told me that he had been grocery shopping._

'_Hello Watari,' I greet him. He grunts in response. He has been like this since a week ago. He seems to be more affected by this whole thing than I am, although it's partly due to the fact that he disapproves of the fact that I am continuing to work. We came to a compromise that I would stop after the case I was on, was resolved. However, I do not intend to follow up that negotiation. _

'_Why are you looking through more cases?' Watari questions. I did not realise that he was behind me and mentally kicked myself. Although not too hard, it might have hurt the tumour. _

'_Looking for a new case,' I reply calmly._

'_I thought we compromised? You promised me L,' Watari says almost as calmly but with a hint of irritation._

'_I never promised anything, compromising and promising are two different things entirely.' I continue through the list of requests. _

'_L I'm worried about you, if you overuse your brain you may hurt yourself. And over using your brain is exactly what you do when you are solving a case.'_

'_I'm offended Watari, I never over use my brain. Are you suggesting that my deducting skills are only possible when I push myself to the absolute limit?' I reply in a slight mock offended tone. Watari sighs._

'_You know what I mean, L. You should be resting...' Watari hesitated before continuing his sentence. 'You only have eight months left to live...'_

'_Correction Watari, I should be doing what I love in the amount of time I have left to live. And it was only an estimation of time from the doctors, you know better than to take that kind of information to heart.' Watari sighed again, in what sounded like defeat._

'_I can't help taking those things to heart,' he muttered under his breath, but I still heard. I really do not understand human emotion sometimes. I hear him turn away and walk towards the kitchen. I turn and look at his retreating figure and spy several plastic bags bursting with what seem to be my favourite sweets and only a few groceries for himself. I sigh and turn back to my laptop, as I think of how Watari is such a hypocrite, by wishing for my healthiness yet he smothers me with sweets. I look at the laptop, contemplating. I then sigh and close the laptop. Making my way towards the stairs, I shout through to the kitchen._

'_Watari, I'm going to bed, bring my sweets up there would you?' _

I woke up to darkness this time. I assume it is night time. Looking at the clock opposite me I see that it is four in the morning. I mentally sigh, as I become irritated at the nurse who sent me to sleep without my permission. I will complain in the morning. I then realise that there is a figure on the left side of me, sat in a red leather chair. It's Watari. He is snoring, whilst his head lolls back, due to his sleeping conditions. I feel comfortable that he is here though. I don't feel so uncomfortable now, even though I'm in a foreign bed, in a hospital drowned in antiseptic cleaning products.

The pounding in my head has toned down considerably from earlier. However the ache still lingers slightly. Probably due to the fact that my mouth is ridiculously dry. Great, my head is pounding from dehydration. I am practically immobile and there is no one around me to get me some water. I groan.

'Do you need anything, L? I mean, Ryuzaki?' I heard Watari whisper. I look in his direction. I did not realise he had stopped snoring. I cannot talk much so I just mumble the word 'water'. He understands immediately and jumps out of his chair and rushes to the water dispenser. When he comes back, he has a cup full of the clear liquid, and it's slopping around the rim of the cup (due to his franticness), occasionally falling over the edge and making slapping noises as the droplets fall to the floor. I chuckle mentally. Watari's usually so reserved. Human emotions really do baffle me.

I sip the water hungrily, when Watari places the cup to my cracked lips. Watari has held one of his hands under my chin, so that no water can escape. I feel like a child. But it can't be helped. I finish the contents of the plastic cup. But it's not enough. Watari sees this and goes to get more water. He does this a few times, until I'm satisfied and then gets a napkin and wipes away the water that has managed to trickle on my chin. When he takes the napkin away and sits down, I comment on this.

'You're like a mother, Watari,' I croak out whilst chuckling weakly, although it sounds more like I'm coughing. Watari doesn't smile. I change the subject and tell him that I can't sleep and he offers to read the newspaper to me, which is a common activity we do to while away the hours in this dreadful place. The first time I asked him to read me a newspaper, he refused, saying it could stress me out, but then gave in after I claimed I was bored. He unfolded the newspaper that he had picked up from the bedside cabinet. Then he reads the title page to me, well, more like commentating.

'There's more news on the murderer that is killing criminals, Ryuzaki. They are saying that his name is Kira. Apparently the government and all of the police forces are in total uproar as they don't know what to do, however they are claiming that they are in control of it, and they declare that these are not murders, just a convenient string of heart attacks. However I find it hard to believe, they'll probably soon start spouting some rubbish that the heart attacks are being caused by the stress that the criminals are under.' Watari looked at me, waiting for a response.

'Kira? Don't think you told me about this, Watari...does sound interesting though,' I reply in what I hope is an intelligible croak. However, Watari is staring at me with a horrified expression.

'What is it?' I ask. He shakes his head. Then looks back at the newspaper. A long while passes, and I don't think he will answer. Just as I go to speak, he replies.

'I was reading the newspaper to you, all week, L. And all week the Kira case is the only thing we discussed...' I was going to scold him for calling me L in public, but his words disturbed me. I did not remember a thing about a 'Kira' case. Did that mean it was finally happening then?

'Put the newspaper away, Watari. I can't help with this case and it's depressing me,' I demand bluntly, whilst I look away from him. I am surprised at my reaction, and even more surprised that I had the energy to snap. Watari was silent. We didn't have to mention that the reason I had forgotten was because of the progressive memory loss: one of the symptoms of my condition. It was a bit late in warning me of the tumour though. How inconvenient. A few seconds passed, whilst I heard Watari folding the newspaper back up. I glanced at Watari he was staring at the wall with the clock. I felt the need to apologise. Probably due to guilt. I look away from him again.

'I apologise, Watari, I am just exhausted from the chemotherapy,' I spoke up, the sentence surprising me. The disorientation must be affecting my speech. A while passed and I glanced at Watari, a little annoyed that he did not respond, but he has fallen asleep. I'm not tired at all, so I just lay in silence.

An hour has passed, or maybe two. I don't know, I don't have the energy to direct my eyes at the clock. I feel sick, like someone is grabbing my intestines and squeezing them. I notice that I feel quite tired now, and my eyes are blurring over, but I cannot get to sleep properly. The blurriness disappears when my stomach heaves suddenly, the bile in my abdomen threatening to climb out of my mouth, I even feel a bit of bile reach the entrance of my throat. The taste is disgusting and watery. It goes back down though, and the blurriness returns after a while. I am like that for a while, lingering on the brink of sleep, but never able to jump into the abyss of slumber.

It feels like another hour has slipped by. I am started to get irritated at the fact I cannot sleep properly. Maybe its Watari's snoring that is keeping me awake, or maybe the incessant beeping that is letting people know I am still alive. Or both, I don't know, I haven't slept naturally in a long time. That gives me an idea; I reach for the button that is near my hand, so I can call for assistance. I had forgotten about the button. But just as I go to click it, I heave again and this time vomit spills out of my mouth in a gush. The blanket underneath my chin soaks it up, but it's still dribbling down my chin. But then a cardboard sick bowl has been placed under my mouth and I look to see that Watari has jumped up once again to help me. He must be a light sleeper, I've never realised. I glance down at the bowl and see that my vomit is clear. I was projectile vomiting the water I had drunken earlier. I finally stop being sick and Watari wipes my chin again but replaces the sick bowl with another clean one, just in case, and folds back the blanket that was stained with vomit.

'Thanks...' I croak out. Watari tells me that it's okay. But it's not okay, I don't dwell on it though. I notice that I'm finding it hard to breathe, and that I am producing quiet, shallow breaths.

'Ryuzaki, is there a reason why you are breathing so loudly?' Watari asks. What was he talking about? I could hardly breathe. I murmur something that I'm not even sure of, and then I fade out rather quickly.

* * *

My hands are cold, I try to move them, but I am unable to. My feet are cold too. My whole body is cold, albeit my torso. Has someone taken my blankets? I force open my eyes and I wonder where I am. Then I remember I am in the hospital. I look for Watari; he is next to me, in his chair as usual. The hospital light's are back on, it must be day time again. I look for the clock. It's 8:00am.

'I'm cold,' I state feebly.

'Oh, I'll get you more blankets then,' he replies. More? What did he mean more? There are no blankets on me, that's why I am cold. I forget about it, as I black out again.

* * *

I'm shaking, but it's not from the cold this time. I don't know why I'm shaking, but I'm shaking a lot. I can't seem to open my eyes, but I can hear voices around me, and I can hear beeping. What is the beeping? Then I remember that it is the beeping from the heart monitor. It sounds like it is going faster that I remember but it can't be, can it?

Gradually after a few minutes, I stop shaking, and my body progressively releases its muscles from the tension. I slowly open my eyes after another few minutes. The voices have stopped shouting. Opening my eyes, I spy Watari straight away, as he stands at the end of my bed. His dark clothes making him stand out among the pure white cleanliness of the hospital and its staff. Watari looks slightly panicked. I try to ask what happened, but I cannot form the words. I see him look at one of the nurses and she says something to him that I cannot fathom, and whatever she says upsets him incredibly, as he looks back at me and his eyes begin to glass over. He stays at the end of my bed and just looks at me. He seems to have so much to say but he doesn't say anything. Then I realise.

I'm dying.

I'm dying now. It's what Watari wants to tell me. But he doesn't because he knows I understand, or he just doesn't want to upset me in my dying moments. I try to think of what to make of this circumstance. But my mind is blank. All I can think about is that I need to let Watari know that I have appreciated his help over the years. I glance at him again. It's getting hard to keep my eyes open. He is still looking at me. He knows. I hope he knows. But just in case, I muster all my energy and smile at him. It's a weak smile, but it will do. His eyes widen a little and then he smiles back and I see his tear ducts begin to glisten. That will have to do. My stomach heaves again and I vomit again but it's gone as soon as it came and the dribble is wiped away quickly by a nurse.

My eyes close slowly on the sight in front of me. I never thought there would be so many people present at my death. I think about all the cases I've solved, and all of the cases I'll never solve. I wonder how the world will cope without me. Oh, of course. I'll be replaced by one of my heirs. I never did choose who would be my successor. Right now, I don't care. My mind goes blank and the last thing I see is one indiscreet tear slip down Watari's withered cheek. And for the last time, my head is hazy and I fade to black.

* * *

**AN: Just a few notes I need to add here that I couldn't put at the top. **

**This story was inspired by the song My Chemical Romance - Cancer.**

**Also, I have never known someone with cancer, so it hasn't affected me personally, and i hope it never will, but I tried to do some research so that I could get it fairly correct. However, if you believe there are some things wrong with my description of cancer, and you would like me to change it, just let me know in the reviews and I will consider it :)**

**I hope you enjoyed the story, and if you're interested, please check out my other death note story :)**


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